i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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