he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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