Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
