I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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