she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
