im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
