so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
