Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
