"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
