i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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