Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
