Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
