You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A bitchslap is in order.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
