What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
