tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
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