This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
