You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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