I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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