I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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