I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
