I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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