i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
