You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
