I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
