There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
