Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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