Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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