I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
