she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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