i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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