I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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