They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize