I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
