She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
