He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
