LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
