Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
