well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
