Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
