I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
