My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
