I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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