That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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