When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
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Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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