I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
