Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
