Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
