Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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