Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
