I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
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That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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