Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
