i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
birth control should be required to get into college
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
