dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
