you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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