I accidentally had phone sex last night
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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