You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
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