Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
